Dean never really had a good night’s sleep since the day his mother died and tonight was no exception. He lifted the half empty glass to his lips and embraced the all too familiar burn of the golden liquid as he swallowed.
It had been six years to the day since Cas finally let go of Dean.
The box Cas had left for Dean was empty and discarded on the floor, letters and pictures scattered across the small coffee table, Dean setting the papers he had been reading onto the couch as he got up to flip the record that had just played its last notes with a click. Dean took another swig of his drink as he watched Cas’ record circle, humming along with the music vaguely. The Mamas & The Papas were not a band he would normally listen to, but he found this record in Cas’ collection, remembering how he had picked it up from the record store for Cas all those years ago on a whim, blaming it on Mama Cass sharing names with his boyfriend.
He raised a hand to rub his face as he walked back to the couch, sitting down, closing his eyes and remembering how Cas had played nothing but this record for almost a week.
“It helps me study, Dean. You’re the one who got it for me in the first place.”
“Well, I didn’t know I’d be subjected to this when I got it for you. Please, Cas. Don’t make me throw it out the window.”
Dean grinned at the scowl Cas had on his face for the remainder of that day.
Dean sighed as he felt familiar hands remove his nearly empty glass from his loose fingers. Dean opened his eyes as Cas set the glass on the table, carefully setting it down away from the letters he wrote Dean. He felt his lips tug upwards as Cas looked down at him, looking the same as he did before everything had fallen apart. Dean patted at the empty space beside him on the couch.
Cas smiled at the silent invitation before sitting sideways, shoulder against the back of the couch, leg folded to fit crossed under the other. Dean caught himself staring as Cas settled, he hated these nights as much as he longed for them.
Dean’s hand instinctively went to rub at Cas’ leg, sliding up until his fingers caught with Cas’, intertwining them and gripping tightly as Cas lifted their hands to his mouth, kissing each of Dean’s knuckles gently.
“Oh, Dean. You promised me you’d be happy without me.”
Dean sighed, raising a hand to card through Cas’ hair as “Dream A Little Dream Of Me” began to play.
“I only promised to try.”
Cas looked at him sadly before smiling and nodding towards the record player.
“I listened to this song nearly every night when you were in Vietnam.”
Dean felt his chest tighten; flashing back to the dream that still haunted him of Cas fading at his touch. He withdrew his hand from Cas quickly but Cas just moved closer until Cas’ hand was resting on Dean’s chest, the heat from where Cas’ leg was pressing against his thigh spreading warmth through his stomach.
“Dean. It’s okay to touch me.” Cas reached out and took Dean’s hand, bringing it to rest on his hip, making Cas’ shirt ride up until Dean’s fingers were touching his skin, “It wasn’t your fault. You aren’t going to break me.”
Dean tightened his grip on Cas as Cas smiled, kissing his cheek before standing up, pulling Dean with him.
“Dance with me, Dean.”
Dean stepped forwards as Cas stepped back, a smile dancing on his lips as he slid his hand fully under Cas’ shirt until his hand was resting on the small of Cas’ back. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck, pressing their bodies close. Dean leaned down to kiss at the skin below Cas’ ear before singing along quietly, “Stars fading, but I linger on, dear. Still craving your kiss.”
Cas slowed their swaying, whispering back the next lyric, “I’m longing to linger till dawn, dear…”
Dean stopped swaying, pulling back to look at Cas, thumb rubbing circles in Cas’ skin, his other hand moving to cup Cas’ cheek.
“ I miss you so much sometimes; I don’t know how to breathe.”
Cas smiled sadly, “I know, Dean. But you need to keep living. You have to live for both of us now. Remember the island? And the white picket fence?”
Dean nodded, “Don’t forget the boat. We still need to travel the world.”
Cas sighed and slid his fingertips up to play with the short hair at the base of Dean’s neck, “You need to travel. You don’t need to forget about me, but you need to let me go, Dean.”
Dean felt a tear slide down his cheek and blinked angrily. He felt stupid for crying when he had such little time with Cas.
“I don’t know if I can do that, Cas.”
Cas moved his hand to cover Dean’s, pressing it more firmly against his face.
“I’ll always love you. I know you’ll always love me. But I’m not here anymore, Dean. There’s so much left to be done. Don’t forget to live.”
Dean nodded, eyes drifting to Cas’ lips, trying to remember how they tasted. Cas’ tongue flicked out in anticipation. Dean felt Cas’ fingers tighten over his for an instant as he closed his eyes and pressed his lips to Cas’, desperately wishing that this was real. That Cas was here. That reality was the dream.
Dean moved his hand to the back of Cas’ neck to press them closer, licking against Cas’ lips.
He heard Cas gasp quietly, parting his lips to let Dean in. Dean kept his eyes firmly shut as he licked into Cas’ mouth until neither of them could breathe. Cas rolled his head until their lips parted, taking a deep breath and pressing their foreheads together.
“I love you, Cas.”
The fingers in Dean’s hair gripped tighter, Cas’ breath hitching.
“I love you too, Dean. Dean-“Cas let out a deep breath, “open your eyes.”
Dean pressed one more kiss to Cas’ lips before opening his eyes slowly to an empty room, the music fading with a click.